Confessions of a CCM junkie

Hi, my name is Brook, and this evening I stepped foot in a ... a christian bookstore (like Ren confessing "I...I was NICE today" with a look of grave, nearly horrified concern on his face...). I don't normally do that sort of thing, but I used to practically live in that world, and so, despite the fact that it is so very foreign to me now, at the same time it will also probably always be a part of my life in some way or other, that CCM / CBA world of commodified holiness. There's a lot of fluff and nonsense in those places, but if you know where to look, there's also the occasional "real deal". I was buying the latest book by Margaret Becker, as well as a book w/ audio CD by A.W.Tozer (both for whom I still hold the utmost respect). Wandering around the isles, looking at all the "christian" product, got me thinking about what a strange looking animal the christian subculture is. Over the years, I've seen that scene get into bed with some odd partners - like Precious Moments porcelin figurines, or more recently Extreme Sports (I won't even go into the whole novelty item thing -like "Testa-Mints").

There was a time in my life, however, when I lived and breathed that subculture. Mostly as a teenager and young adult, probably well into my mid-twenties (at which point I discovered a whole other "christian subculture" out in the real world that changed my life forever). There is something innate in most of us, some desire or longing, to want to be a good person, to do the right thing, and the christian (marketing) subculture plays to and on that instinct for all its worth, getting you to believe that buying "christian" product is the "right thing to do" (just like Wilford Brimley does with oatmeal). The terms "secular" and "christian" come to serve as a rallying point of "us -vs- them" mentality, getting the "christian" consumer to place a moral weight on what they are buying - a morality that has nothing to do with "fair trade" or "ecological" considerations or that sort of truly biblical morality, and everything to do with which label has been placed on which product ("christian" or "secular"). There is this unwritten, unspoken belief, it seems to me, that the more products you purchase and consume labeled "christian", the better Christian you are (and therefore the better chance you have of getting to heaven because you are following the right path, doing the right thing, and all of that). This concept reached ridiculous proportions at a certain point (including christian mortgage companies, car dealers, clothing, etc), but in my own personal experience, it mostly focused on the music we were listening to, the books we read, and the company we kept, with the primary focus put on...Music. Entertainment, in general, seemed to me to be the earmark of whether one was living a holy, devout, christian life. Not whether I fed the hungry, clothed the naked (who I wouldn't want to be near anyway because of the sexual immorality implied by their state), visited the sick and imprisoned, or any of that other unmarketable stuff, but rather what kind of music was I listening to ("feeding my spirit" with would be the correctly understood terminology), and was it "christian" or "secular"? (THE most important question one could ask regarding what one was engaging in). Those qualifying for something akin to sainthood would be those who got rid of all their (possessions? to give to the poor and follow Christ? no...) SECULAR ALBUMS and listened to only christian music...

I could go on and on, bitching about how screwed up all this line of thinking is, and I will at some point I'm sure, but for now just suffice it to say that this was the mentality that I was immersed in for a good amount of my young adult life. And to tell you the truth, I don't know that I would change those years much for anything. Granted, I've had to do a whole lot of unsticking myself from the cultural mess it entangles, seperating the truth from the trappings and baggage, but CCM music (Contemporary Christian Music, for those who might not know what CCM means, and who will probably rightly ask why would anyone use the word "music" after the letter that stands for "music") played a very important part in my life, and I do believe there can be a legitimate place in a genuine Christian's life for CCM. At its best, christian music helps keep one's mind and thoughts focused on the truths of their faith, on the God they serve, on Christ and His life, and what that means for their life and how to live it. CCM can serve as a catalyst for worship, or even just as a positive aural environment in which to allow oneself to soak in. It can be a common ground upon which relationships with fellow believers can be strengthened or discovered. There is nothing wrong with music that focuses on the various aspects of Christian faith. It can be very good, in fact, a calming and healing element for the soul, an anchor in the midst of times of confusion. And, probably best of all, it has the potential to lead one (to point in the right direction at least) towards a truly authentic life of faith, inspiring deeper study of the scriptures and deeper thought on how to apply these things to one's life. Some of the best artists are simply confessional singer/songwriters, sharing their life of faith and their struggles, providing something of a light and example for their listeners to follow or share in, to feel they are not alone (while some, at their didactic and condesceding worst, are simply making teaching tapes set to music, or propaganda even, with all the lack of artistic integrity that entails). Some of it is Inspirational, in the truest sense of the word. and some of it... well, some of it is just damn good rock and roll, whatever you might happen to believe.

Some of the best, and most genuine Christian artists I have come to know and love over the years include artists like Rich Mullins, Kieth Green, Rez Band (with Glenn Kaiser, whose life and example was probably the single biggest influence on my early Christian life and thought), Undercover (whose song "Build a Castle", as well as the albums Branded and Balance of Power in general, probably had the single most significant influence on my life and thought later on in college - an awareness of death and an understanding of the importance of relationships that has profoundly influenced me to this day), Daniel Amos / Terry Taylor, Mylon Lefevre (who seems to have flipped his boat since then and gone all looney cliche' charismatic), Margaret Becker, Kim Hill, Charlie Peacock, Amy Grant, Larry Norman (the grandpappy godfather of christian rock), etc. etc... There are countless others whose music I have loved, but these artists and more like them have had a deep impact on who I was (and still am), and how I thought about and lived my life of faith. In recent years, artists like Nicole Nordeman, Carolyn Arends, and Jennifer Knapp have continued to provide a spark of hope for signs of life in the christian music subculture to me, artists who seem (to me) to be the genuine article - that is, more concerned with their faith and the struggles and sacrifices it entails than with their CCM image as product (I would also mention artists like Sarah Masen or Sixpence None the Richer, but I generally think of them not as a CCM artists - which, despite all the nice things I just said about it above, would be to degrade the kind of artistic expression of faith that they create - but rather I like to think of them as among those genuine artists, akin to Sam Philips, who may have roots in CCMland, but live and move and shine their light in the real world, in ways the CCM world can't quite understand - or, worse yet, can't "market". No one's quite sure what's happened to Jennifer Knapp, but I'd like to hope she's about to head in that direction herself - turn in her resignation to the CCM marketing machine and follow Sam Philips' footsteps right the hell out of that ghetto)

Though I've outgrown that confining world of CCM culture, it's still a part of who I am, and there's enough goodness and life to have come from it that I don't wish it were otherwise. I've developed some of my closest friendships out of that era of my life, and I'm still living on the life of faith I found there (though it looks nearly unrecognizably different from what it was before), still struggling towards a genuine understanding of God and my relationship with who He is, still struggling towards a genuine expression of that faith in my everyday life.

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

The BIG GAME (my rant on professional sports)

(PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS SUGGESTED. OR MAYBE YOU JUST WANT TO SKIP THIS ONE ALTOGETHER. AS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE SAID OF THIS, "THAT IS THE WORST PIECE OF WRITING YOU HAVE EVER DONE!". SO BE IT...)

Today was the day of the BIG GAME. Big, IMPORTANT game I'm told. Big Sweaty men dressed in colorful tights playing with balls and chasing each other. This particular BIG GAME featured an oddly-shaped ball which the big sweaty men were fighting each other to be the one to hold. Play starts with all these big sweaty men bent over in a line, asses in the air, ready to go at it. One or two of these men are apparantly so excited that they can be seen running back and forth behind the line of men bent over. One of these men is known as the "tight end". And then there's that one big man who gets to bend over right behind another bent-over man holding a ball as he waits for the right moment to reach out and grab the ball in the front man's hand. from a distance it looks rather lude, this position they're in. Up close it doesn't look much better. Hopefully the man in front doesn't fart, as the man bent over behind him would most likely get the full dose (and I imagine these big sweaty men can pack a wollup of a fart). the play comes to an end after all these men chase after the one man with a ball in his hands, and generally, after they catch up with him, there is a big sweaty man pile - in fact there are many big sweaty man piles throughout the game. At least they're wearing protection. When a player does a good job, his teammates will usually reward him by giving him a loving pat on the butt. I don't know if this is some sort of incentive or what, but I do know that if I were the one playing in the game, the incentive for ME to do good would be the promise that if I did something good then no man would come near my butt with his hand. A hot cheerleader, fine, but no man-to-man butt-pats for me, thank you. The point of the game of course, is to score. step over that line with that ball in your hand and, touchdown, you score. much man dancing and butt patting to follow. then, after the BIG GAME, when it's all over, the big sweaty men all head to the locker room to undress in front of one another and take a shower together.

I suppose if I were gay, I would enjoy sports more than I do. But as it is, I think I would rather sit in my room and play with my own balls than watch other big sweaty men play with theirs.

"Futurological Congress" by Stanislaw Lem (an introduction)

(FTR - I REALIZE THIS ENTRY IS A MESS OF CONFUSION. I PLAN ON RE-WRITING IT AT SOME POINT FOR A MORE COHESIVE FLOW. FOR NOW, MAKE OF IT WHAT YOU WILL)

Walter Wink, in his book "Naming the Powers" talks about the "powers of the air", referring to

"the invisible but palpable environment of opinions, beliefs, propaganda, convictions, prejudices, hatreds, racial and class biases, taboos, and loayalties that condition our perception of the world long before we reach the age of choice... It "kills" us precicely because we breathe it in before we even realize it is noxious. Like fish in water, we are not even aware that it exists, much less that it determines the way we think, speak, and act".

We've seen the awareness of this sort of "reality" analogously portrayed in movies like The Matrix and The Truman Show, and in music such as that made by Radiohead and Beck (as David Dark writes about in greater detail in his book "Everyday Apocalyptic"). In Stanislaw Lem's book "The Futurological Congress", the character Ijon Tichy finds himself in a similar environment / future reality (and Wink's concept of the "powers of the air" is portrayed as quite a literal concept here). It is a world in which reality itself has been commodified, by means of next-generation hallucinogenic drugs - “Mascons” specifically:

"Narcotics do not cut one off from the world, they only change one’s attitude towards it. Hallucinogens, on the other hand, blot out and totally obscure the world… But mascons falsify the world"

- which the society itself requires for it’s very existance and survival. Commodification comes in both the Truman show / 1984 sense (aka: imposed on one from the outside), and also in the Brave New World sense of voluntarily sought by the society itself

"The fiendishness of it all is that part of this mass deception is open and voluntary, letting people think they can draw the line between fiction and fact. And since no one any longer responds to things spontaneiously…the distinction between manipulated and natural feelings has ceased to exist"

Tichy, awakened to the truth, goes out

"Like a bloodhound hot on the trail, my mind sought out all the hollow, empty places in this monumental masquerade, this tinseled cheat that sprawled across the horizon"

As the purveyors of this society explain, “A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given a chance”, explaining how

"one can mask any object in the outside world behind a fictitious image – superimposed – and with such dexterity, that the psychemasconated subject cannot tell which of his perceptions have been altered, and which have not. If but for a single instant you could see this world of ours the way it really is – undoctored, unadulterated, uncensored – you would drop in your tracks!"

This calls to mind, not only the concept behind Stephen King’s “Needful Things” – which is more akin to the reality spoken of in FC - but also, on the other end, a comment made I believe by C.S. Lewis that, were we to see our fellow man in all his trancendental glory, as he really is, we would be tempted to fall down in worship. Or, as Frederick Buechner’s Nicolet says (in Final Beast),

“whatever this is we move around through…Reality…the air we breathe…this emptiness…If you could get hold of it by the corner somewhere, just slip your fingernail underneath and peel it back enough to find out what’s there behind it, I think you’d be…I think the dance that must go on back there…If we saw anymore of that dance than we do, it would kill us sure… The glory of it. Clack-Clack is all a man can bear”

As these societal overseers so rationally put it,

“is it so satanical if, in some extreme case, a doctor chooses to hide the truth from his patient? I say that if this is the way we must live, eat, exist, at least let us have it in fancy wrappings…what’s the harm?”

As Ijon Tichy begins to wake up to the truth of the reality around him, he writes how “all along I was unaware of the foulness lurking behind that most elegant, courteous facade”. he knows he must do something about it, but what? He comes into posession of an “anti-illusory” elixir, one that helps to counter the effects on himself of the illusion-perpetuating drugs he is living on, and goes through stages of reality-awareness,

“realizing in a sudden shudder of premonition that now reality was sloughing off yet another layer – clearly, it’s falsification had begun so very long ago, that even the most powerful antidote could do no more than tear away successive veils, reaching the veils beneath but not the truth”.

Tichy finds himself “no longer safely inside the illusion, but shipwrecked in reality”, much like Neo once he is pulled into reality, out of the Matrix. He knows that a mind awake is not readily tolerated in a society who’s very survival is dependant on illusion, and is “certain that the fact that I could see was plainly written on my face and I would have to pay for it”. He fears that the anti-drug which woke him up will wear off and he would find himself back in “paradise”. and, much like the attitude of the Zion resistance group in The Matrix, he says that this

“prospect filled me with nothing but fear and loathing, as if I would have rather shivered in some garbage dump – with the knowledge that that was what it was – than owed my deliverance to apparitions”.

Thomas Merton writes along these lines in Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander:

People are constantly trying to use you to help them create the particular illusions by which they live. This is particularly true of the collective illusions which sometimes are accepted as ideologies. You must renounce and sacrifice the approval that is only a bribe enlisting your support of a collective illusion...You must be willing, if necessary, to become a disturbing and therefore an undesired person, one who is not wanted because he upsets the general dream.

in a disconnected way, I’m reminded of all this when I hear a mass media / self-help icon like Dr. Phil say (in the form of real advice to his listeners), “there is no reality, only perception”

The book, in typical Lem fashion (and similar to fellow SciFi writer Philip K. Dick), is a strange trip, one that is well worth the price of admission and may well alter your own perception of whatever it is you think of as "reality".

Wendell Berry on the war

Some thoughts by Wendell Berry, excerpted from the chapter "Peaceableness Toward Enemies" in his book SEX, ECONOMY, FREEDOM AND COMMUNITY, in response to the war in Iraq. Oddly enough, these words were written 15 years ago in regards to the war waged by George Bush the first, who didn't succeed in making a complete mess of that country the way his son W has now.

What can we mean by the statement that we were "liberating" Kuwait? Kuwait was not a democratic nation. If it was imperative to "liberate" it after Saddam's invasion, why was it not equally imperative to "liberate" it before? And why is it not equally imperative to liberate Tibet or China, or any of the other nations under non-democratic rule?

It may be true that Saddam Hussein is a dangerous madman. But...in dealing with a madman, people of common sense try not to provoke him to greater acts of madness. How Saddam's acts of violence were to be satisfactorily limited or controlled by our own acts of greater violence has not been explained.

This war was said to be "about peace". So have they all been said to be. This was another in our series of wars "to end war." But peace is not the result of war, any more than love is the result of hate or generosity the result of greed. As a war in defense of peace, this one in the Middle East has failed, as all its predecessors have done. Like all its predecessors, it was the result of failure, on the part of all of its participants, to be peaceable...

...victory for some requires defeat for others. And those who have been defeated will not be satisfied for long with an order founded on their defeat. One such victory will sooner or later require another. In fact, this war produced not order but disorder probably greater than the disorder with which it began (Brook's note: "probably" is no longer the right word to describe the situation. "incomprehensibly" is probably a better word when talking about this war). We have by no means shown that disorder can be put in order by means of suffering, death, and destruction.

We must also consider the possibility that this war happened not because we had a purpose in fighting it but simply because we were prepared for it... It is well understood that the mere possession of any piece of equipment is a powerful incentive to use it. Our aimlessness and apparent bewilderment in the aftermath of the war may be an indication that the war itself was virtually without a purpose.

...We were evidently determined to preserve at all costs a way of life in which we will contemplate no restraints. We sent an enormous force of our young men and women to kill and to be killed in defense of our oil supply, but we have done nothing to conserve that supply or to reduce our dependence on it... We wish to give our people the impression that except for their children, nothing will be required of them.

About equally troubling is the tone of technological optimism that accompanied the war's beginning... The assumption...has been that this was a war of scientific precision and predictability, that we knew exactly what we were doing, what was involved, how long it would take, and what the results would be...Of course, anyone who uses tools can testify that results invariably become more complex and less predictable as force is increased. When our leaders talked about the results of this war, they were talking about victory and the political order that presumably would be imposed (for a while) by the victor. They were not talking about the deaths and griefs, the economic descructions, the intensified hatreds and resentments, the changed patterns of poverty and wealth, and the ecological damages that would also be the results and that would not be readily predictable or controllable. The confession, by certain pro-war politicians, that some of the disorderly and lamentable results of the war were "not foreseen" was surely the war's most foreseeable result.

The circumstances of this war made obscure such apparently simple questions as "Who is the enemy?" and "Whom is this war against?"

The enemy was said to be Iraq, or Iraq as ruled by Saddam Hussein. But in Iraq under the rule of Saddam Hussein, we faced an enemy who had been armed, fortified, equipped, trained, and encouraged by ourselves and our friends. Our government gave aid to Saddam Hussein, indulged his human rights abuses and his use of poison gas, and encouraged him to think that we would not oppose his ambitions. We sold him equipment that could be used to develop nuclear weapons, missiles, and poison gas. We sold him toxins and bacteria that could be used in biological warfare.

...What about the children? we ask as our leaders acknowledge the inevitability of "some civilian casualties" - or "collateral casualties" as they put it...
We are thinking, too, of our own children to whom someone must explain that some people - including some of "our" people - look on the deaths of children as an acceptable cost of victory.

There is no dodging the fact that war diminishes freedom. This war increased government secrecy (which is at any time a threat to freedom)...and it increased governmental and popular pressure toward uniformity of thought and opinion. War always encourages a patriotism that means not love of country but unquestioning obedience to power. Freedom, of course, requires diversity of opinion. It not only tolerates political dissent but encourages and depends on it.

One thing worth defending...is the imperative to imagine the lives of beings who are not ourselves and are not like ourselves...

...there is one great possibility that we have hardly tried: that we can come to peace by being peaceable.

That possiblilty, though little honored, is well known; its most famous statement is this: "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you."

In times of war, our leaders always speak of their prayers... Perhaps they believe or hope that prayer will help. But within the circumstances of war, prayer becomes a word as befuddled in meaning as liberate or order or victory or peace. These prayers are usually understood to be Christian prayers. But Christian prayers are made to or in the name of Jesus, who loved, prayed for, and forgave his enemies and who instructed his followers to do likewise. A Christian supplicant, therefore, who has resolved to kill those whom he is enjoined to love, to bless, to do good to, to pray for, and to forgive as he hopes to be forgiven is not conceivably in a situation in which he can be at peace with himself.

...Ignoring the Gospels' command to be merciful, forgiving, loving, and peaceable, our leaders have prayed only for the success of their arms and policies and have thus made for themselves a state religion - exactly what they claim to fear in "fundamentalist" Islam. But why God might particularly favor a nation whose economy is founded foursquare on the seven deadly sins is a mystery that has not been explained.

Peaceableness toward enemies is an idea that will, of course, continue to be denounced as impractical. It has been too little tried by individuals, much less by nations. It will not readily serve those who are greedy for power. It cannot be effectively used for bad ends. It could not afford opportunities for profit. It involves danger to practitioners. It requires sacrifice. And yet it seems to me that it is practical, for it offers the only escape from the logic of retribution. It is the only way by which we can cease to look to war for peace.

Let us hasten to the question that apologists for killing always ask: If somebody raped or murdered a member of my family, would I not want to kill him? Of course I would, and I daresay I would enjoy killing him. Or her. If asked, however, if I think that it would do any good, I must reply that I do not. The logic of retribution implies no end and no hope. If I kill my enemy, and his brother kills me, and my brother kills his brother, and so on and on, we may all have strong motives and even good reasons; the world may be better off without all of us. And yet this is a form of behavior that we have wisely outlawed. We have outlawed it, that is, in private life. In our national life, it remains the established and honored procedure.

The essential point is the ancient one: that to be peaceable is, by definition, to be peaceable in time of conflict. Peaceableness is not the amity that exists between people who agree, nor is it the exhaustion or jubilation that follows war. It is not passive. It is the ability to act to resolve conflict without violence. If it is not a practical and a practicable method, it is nothing. As a practicable method, it reduces helplessness in the face of conflict. In the face of conflict, the peaceable person may find several solutions, the violent person only one.

We seem to be following, on the one hand, the logic of preventitive war, according to which we probably ought to kill all heads of state and their supporters to keep them from sooner or later becoming power hungry maniacs who will force us to fight a big war to save freedom, civilization, peace, gentleness, and brotherly love.... If it is to mean anything, peaceableness has to operate all the time, not lie dormant until the emergence of power-hungry maniacs. Amish pacifism makes sense because the Amish are peaceable all the time. If they attacked their neighbors and then, when their neighbors retaliated, started loving them, praying for them, and turning the other cheek, they would be both wrong and stupid. Of course, as the Amish know, peaceableness can get you killed. I suppose they would reply that war can get you killed, too...

by your side

When Dawn
then Dusk
and Darkened Sky
exchange their hue
for one last time
if all we've said
is just Goodbye
with one last day
to live our lives
I'll hold your hand
gaze in your eyes
and pray
Mercy
a thousand times
'till all we've left
are tears to dry
at daybreak
on the other side

Bob Dylan

Well, I'm back from seeing Bob Dylan perform at The Palace tonight, and it was great! Dylan has so much material that you just can't know what he's going to play on any given night, but he played a few that I've only dreamed of seeing him do. Visions of Johanna for one. Like a Rolling Stone, Tangled Up In Blue, Highway 61, and All Along The Watchtower for some others. He's majorly reworked all of the songs, some of them so much that I couldn't figure out what they were until halfway through the song. Others I recognized the lyrics to but never did figure out what exactly they were. All I knew was that I was in the presence of a true Legend, and I was soaking it all in as much as I could.
There were many striking differences between the Dylan I saw last night and the Dylan I know of from music history. For one, he stood at a keyboard all night, didn't play a lick of guitar (though he did play a bit of harmonica here and there). He's also in a major country / classic bluesy soul rock groove. Rockabilly, for lack of a better word. Usually not my thing, but Dylan is a master and you have to appreciate the fact that he's gone back to the very roots of rock & roll and is keeping them alive and vital in our generation of slickly-produced commercialized sugar-sweet throwaway music. Plus, without Dylan, we don't even have the concept of "country rock" or it's like. He was the first to do that sort of thing.

I was wondering while watching him, given how different his current show is from what you would have seen in the late 60's, if the young Bob Dylan could somehow see and meet the old man Dylan, I wonder what he would think of himself. Would he recognize who he had become? And I wonder if the Dylan of today ever looks back to those early days and wonders what happened to that kid and how did he end up here, and could all those years really have gone by? Knowing what I know of him, probably not, but I know I would be asking those kinds of questions at that age. Hell, I ask those kinds of questions at this age! But maybe that's the kind of thing that's keeping me from living the kind of life he's lived. "If any man looks back after putting his hand to the plow, he is not worthy of me or the kingdom of God... and he'll be turned into a pillar of salt for good measure"

October rusts

October has come and gone, the leaves (as Kansas once sang in lyrics it took me years to understand) have fallen from the trees. October has always been my favorite month, and nowadays life's quick passing usually finds me unprepared when it comes around. like death. it catches me off-guard, and I'm wondering how to make the most of the moment. like life. and then it's gone...
It's been an unseasonably cold October this year, and rainy, and that hasn't helped matters any. Not many good Cider Mill-ing days to be found. and I seem to have slept right through the ones we did have. I did see a few good concerts this past month though, and that always helps one to feel more alive and connected. Like Indigo Girls in Ann Arbor (a great town to spend autumn in anyway, with it's used book and record stores, and abundant coffeehouses - some that aren't even Starfucks - amid the near-tangible excitement of college life in general).

November promises to start off with a bang: Bob Dylan, at the Palace. A more important cultural icon I will not encounter in this life. He's at the top. The guy influenced the BEATLES for crying out loud! Had the balls to tell them that they were ok, but their music didn't have anything to SAY! Hit John Lennon pretty hard inside, and next thing you know we have the Sgt Pepper album with a song like "A Day in the Life". That is what you call impact. I've been immersing myself in Dylan's music this past week, reading his excellent book (Chronicles), and watched once again the Martin Scorsese masterpiece No Direction Home. I think I'm ready. and I'll be in the 2nd row! "is that Bob Dylan in front of you?" "no, that's just some guy...Dylan is the one in front of him" "so you're saying there's only one person between you and Bob Dylan??" "yes, that's what I'm saying"...
My brother will also be coming home at the end of the month for Thanksgiving weekend, and that is always something to look forward to. Since he's moved away, I usually get to see him maybe 4 or 5 times a year, and that's hard, but he's living in New York, and so I couldn't have asked for a better life for him (or a better vacation spot for me!).

After Chronicles, I'm going to get back to the Harry Potter book I started last month (Goblet), and maybe I'll take some Merton with me to the Cider Mill if we ever get anymore nice days before the place closes down. Reading Merton by a peacefully flowing stream out in the autumn woods has a way of transforming and healing the soul. I still haven't finished David Dark's book Gospel According To America (despite how absolutely rich and deeply thoughtful it is), so I'd like to get back to that one. And my dad is reading Faulkner's "Absalom Absalom", and I'm thinking about trying to tackle that one as well. I'll probably only get around to finishing Potter though...

100+ Books to read

Books I have not yet read but feel the need to before I die:

Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
The Imitation of Christ – Thomas A’Kempis
Macbeth – Shakespeare
The Merchant of Venice – Shakespeare
A Grief Observed – C.S. Lewis
The Power and The Glory – Graham Greene
Waiting for God – Simone Weil
Love in the Ruins – Walker Percy
The Book of Bebb – Frederick Buechner
The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde
De Profundis – Oscar Wilde
The Wounded Healer – Henri Nouwen
No Man is an Island – Thomas Merton
The Phenomenon of Man – Teilhard de Chardin
Escape from Freedom – Erich Fromm
Pensees – Pascal
The Ladder of Divine Ascent – John Climacus
St. Francis of Assisi – G.K. Chesterton
St. Thomas Aquinas: The Dumb Ox – G.K. Chesterton
Little, Big – John Crowley
I and Thou – Martin Buber
The Everlasting Man – G.K. Chesterton
Brother to a Dragonfly - Will D. Campbell
The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
Aurora Leigh – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Notes from Underground – Fyodor Dostoevsky
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter – Carson McCullers
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Foucault's Pendulum - Umberto Eco
Animal Farm – George Orwell
Bread and Wine – Ignazio Silone
One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich - Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Self-Reliance – Ralph Waldo Emmerson
Hamlet – Shakespeare
A Third Testament – Malcolm Muggeridge
The New Man – Thomas Merton
Othello – Shakespeare
Diary of a Country Priest – Georges Bernanos
Markings – Dag Hammarskjold
David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
The Night is Dark and I am Far from Home – Jonathan Kozol
Phantastes – George Macdonald
The Holy Longing - Ronald Rolheiser
Creative Ministry – Henri Nouwen
The Shipping News – E. Annie Proulx
Dear Theo: Letters of Vincent Van Gogh to His Brother
Lilith – George Macdonald
The Name of The Rose - Umberto Eco
A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
Compassion – Henri Nouwen
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius – Dave Eggers
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Steven Covey
Exploring Spiritual Direction – Alan Jones
Lost in the Cosmos – Walker Percy
The Plague – Albert Camus
Resistance, Rebellion and Death – Albert Camus
Live from Death Row – Mumia Abul-Jamal
What are People For – Wendell Berry
Awareness – Anthony De Mello
The Varieties of Religious Experience – William James
Our Journey Home – Jean Vanier
The Master and Margarita - Mikhail Bulgakov
Ethics - Aerostotle
The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
Romeo and Juliet – Shakespeare
The Divine Comedy – Dante
Faust – Goethe
The Sorrows of Young Werther - Goethe
A Canticle for Leibowitz - Walter M. Miller
The City of God – St. Augustine
Dubliners – James Joyce
Night – Elie Wiesel
The Chosen – Chaim Potok
Beloved – Toni Morrison
The Magus - John Fowles
Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
The Captain's Verses - Pablo Neruda
Invisible Man - Ralph Ellison
The Life You Save May Be Your Own - Paul Ellie
Collected Fictions - Jorge L. Borges
The Trial - Franz Kafka
Complete Stories - Franz Kafka
The Kingdom of God is Within You - Leo Tolstoy
Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time – Marcus Borg
The Virgin of Bennington - Kathleen Norris
Steppenwolf - Hermann Hesse
The Day on Fire - James Ramsey Ulman
Last Night of the Earth Poems - Charles Bukowski
Bound for Glory - Woody Guthrie
Rabbit Novels (4+1) - John Updike
Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
The Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie
Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
The Spiral Staircase - Karin Armstrong
Lolita - Nabakov
White Noise - Don Delillo
The Watchmen - Alan Moore
Love is a Dog from Hell - Charles Bukowski
The Iceman Cometh - Eugene O'Neil
A Long Day's Journey into Night - Eugene O'Neil
Pale Fire - Nabakov
Tropic of Capricorn - Henry Miller
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Dog - Dylan Thomas
Adventures in the Skin Trade - Dylan Thomas
Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas
Songs of Innocence and Experience - William Blake
The Marriage of Heaven and Hell - William Blake
Chekhov (various novels, short stories and plays)
Thus Spoke Zarathustra - Nietzche
Ulysses - James Joyce
What Matters Most is How Well You Walk... - Charles Bukowski
Enders Game - Orsen Scott Card
The Cost of Discipleship - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The Silence

The Silence of God has always been my biggest, most problematic stumbling block in my faith (or my "christian walk" if you want to be all CBA about it). Why is God silent? Buechner says how could God speak to us in any way that would remove all doubt without destroying us in the process? but I have a problem with that. Surely God can figure out some way to communicate with me in a way that I can understand and discern as God's voice, and not some other random entity, without "destroying me". And if He can't, well then we've got bigger problems than my own. because surely that applies to the whole history of men, back to and including those who "wrote" the bible.

My personal problem is not a belief in God, it is the belief in what God is (or is not) like. and here is where I hold the most resentment towards my "chrisian" upbringing. I think a lot of people (honestly well meaning or self-serving) claim (and have taught) a lot of things about God that are simply just wishful thinking. And knowing what to hold fast to and what to unstick from is the work that can leave a person wandering around in the dark of his or her own subjective judgements and unenlightened mind for ages.

This ties in to another key concept for me, one that I don't hear much discussion of beyond circular logic. How do you discern the Voice of God from the almighty Voice-In-Your-Own-Head? (my friend Sarah, who I believe got it from one of the Nashville group, puts it similarly: a lot of people have a personal relationship with the voice in their own head). The circular logic, of course, being a dependence on the bible to guide that discernment - "The Bible says this about God, and so therefore...". (This is a huge pet peeve of mine when reading christian authors - their flippant use of "God told me" or "Jesus wants us to...", that sort of speaking for God, or telling us how God feels about certain things, as though they just talked on the phone a couple hours ago with the almighty incomprehensible infinite. Don Miller does this somewhat in Blue Like Jazz in a couple chapters, and it grated on my nerves, but some of that book I thought was pretty good in a light reading rambling memoir-ish blog kind of way. Don Miller at his best is good blog material. but we won't be confusing his writings with the likes of Buechner ever!) Translation problems and incorrect interpretations aside, why do we accept these writings as directly by God, and not, say, Annie Dillards? there are too many religious writings in the world of religion potpouri that claim divinity for me to be so dismisively cock-sure that this one is the one and only right one. or at the very least, that I know enough of what this one means to draw conclusions or expectations from it. I come to realize that much of what I believe about God is hearsay (a word that comes strikingly close to heresy). My direct experience with God, if I've had any at all, is minimal. and can I point to any of it as undeniable or inexplicable? not really. most of it's just really really good times and memories in my life, which I credit to God (and still do). but it's odd that I don't feel "close" to God at times of hardship. is my god simply enjoyable memories and good feelings? I don't feel that unshakable faith that Paul or Job had. and yet I am still here, holding these thoughts (and even these struggles) dear to me, to who I am and what I want my life to be about.

and so, what are we left with? For me, it has been the simple prayer, God have mercy. it's really the one prayer I base my life of faith on. to me, it's so incomprehensible, and I recongnize my inability to understand any of it, really, that I simply have to throw myself on His mercy. it's what Christianity teaches anyway, more or less, as it's basic tenant. My eternal destination, and what happens to me in this life, are completely and utterly subject to God's mercy. I cannot demand otherwise, I cannot claim a legal right to more, and I certainly cannot hope in my actions or beliefs to save me in any sense of the word. It's what I prayed over and over while sitting with my grandmother when she was dying, and it's what I pray all my life in the face of the overwhelming nature of lostness and incomprehensible evil, in me and the world. I fail again and again, and the world looks more and more like hell every day (if you look in the "right" places), and I don't understand it and I don't like it, but I don't get a say in the matter beyond the plea of "Lord please have mercy".

But somehow I still believe, even though I do direct a lot of angry judgement at God. and I pray that my theological "temper tantrums", the various immature ways I try "working out my faith" turn out to have been no more harmful than a baby shitting it's diaper. I don't know, and I don't understand. I was raised soaking in a christian environment, and so it is and will always be a deep, essential part of who I am and what I believe. But I have a strong enough faith in the truth that i will throw everything I've got at what i believe (and what others believe), knowing that reality and what's true can withstand the harshest onslaught. I doubt and question fiercely, and I like to think that I have the kind of cynicism that my friend David Dark talks about, one that is simply holding out for the real thing and will accept nothing less. I like to think this indicates a stronger faith in God, rather than a shakey one

Bury My Heart

I am currently reading Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee by Dee Brown, and it is a heartbreaking account, from the American Indian's viewpoint, of the settler's merciless extermination of the Indians. Our own history, barely 150 years ago, contains attrocities committed by our ancestors that rival anything Hitler or Sadaam has ever done. Much of this book (our "Amercian history") is sickening to imagine. As William McPherson says on the back cover, "one wonders...who, indeed, were the savages."

Tom Waits for beginners

answering the question posted on another website as to where to begin with Tom Waits:

Bone Machine - this was my very first TW CD, picked it up because of the "sighting" in the Over the Rhine video Serpents and Gloves, and thereafter I was hooked. On first listen you will hear what sounds like an OtR piano playing, and you can see the influence Tom has had on Linford in this. took a few listens to truly get into it, but even upon first listen, I knew I was hearing something special. There's gold in them there hills, you just gotta do a little digging to get past the rough harsh ground you first encounter there and the mean looking dogs barking at the entrance. oh, and this is the one that won a grammy for best alternative album of the year back in whatever year that was.

Rain Dogs - His "most popular" album (whatever that means when talking about Tom Waits) among longtime fans. Pirates have taken over the carnival and they're making a mess of what you think you know about "music appreciation". Probably the worst thing about this one is the fact that Rod Stewart desecrated one of the songs on here (Downtown Train), killed it with radio play to the point that when you hear it here you can't help but think of Rod Stewart (who should be tarred and feathered for doing such a thing to Waits' music - although it probably made Tom a very rich man).

Closing Time - if you wanna get all wussie about it and "ease into" Tom Waits, this is definitely where to begin. His easiest on the ears, a dark and smokey jazz bar somewhere in the shady part of town, a lone piano player in the corner, just you and a few other patrons having a drink or two at the bar, trying to put your problems on the back burner for a little while... but loneliness and heartbreak are not so easily forgotten. Includes the ever-popular "Ol' 55".

Mule Variations - His best selling to date I think, definitely a great and varied taste of his style, this one has just about everything you could hope for from Tom, including a heartbreaking ballad or three that are right up there with (if not better than) anything he's ever done in his early piano days, as well as his trademark "ghost story" type talkies, and a few monsters-banging-on-things-and-scaring-the kids kinds of songs. Some would argue with the Rain Dogs crowd and say that this is his best.

I suggest starting with these 4, and once you can't get him out of your head and he has permanantly infected your soul, just start collecting the rest. Blood Money and Swordfish Trombones are my suggestions for your next stop. and if you just really want to freak yourself out right off the bat, get Real Gone, turn off all the lights at midnight, turn it up, and spin around until you're completely disoriented, and then sit there in the dark listening to the possessed voice filling your head until you cry.

36

A couple of my friends have been encouraging me to start blogging regularly, and so I thought I'd take this moment to refresh my memory as to how to do this. this is a test, this is only a test. anything I say can and will be used against me in the afterlife...

(they all start out this stupid)

I turn 36 today. My birthday has started off quite wonderfully so far. a good friend got me a couple of Bukowski's latest books, and the new Ani Difranco CD. On Thursday I watched the Bukowski documentary (Born Into This) and became an instant fan. In the bonus material, Tom Waits reads a poem from Last Night Of The Earth Poems, and as he says so himself, it was a beauty. I saw Tom Waits in Detroit on Friday night, where the spirit of Howlin' Wolf and Flannery O'Conner were conjured by the gravelly voiced patron saint of the homeless and downtrodden. I like Tom Waits because he finds value in the valueless, gives dignity to the forgotten, the dreggs of society. Though I dont' think he's particularly religious, I think he is in his own way "looking for baby Jesus under the trash". Our society so thoughtlessly throws out so much, and Tom Waits has a way of making you dig through that trash, sure that there's something you've mistakenly discarded that is actually essential to life. His gruff voice is addicting if you can listen long enough to get past the barking abrassiveness that initially makes you want to cringe and cover your ears. His music is not "immediately accesible", even though he has been covered by people like The Eagles, Rod Stewart, Bruce Springsteen, and Sarah McLachlan (among many others). oh, and his show (at the Detroit Opera House) sold out in 10 minutes. I did the best I could, but TicketBastard made sure I wasn't able to get better than 5th from the last row in the upper balcony. at least I was there...

Tonight I will complete the religious experience by going to The Church. Under the Milky Way and all that. Happy Birthday to Me. And Thank You to the friends who have made it a great one already not even 4 hours into it. You, your life and friendship, are the true gift I continue to recieve and enjoy in gratitude.

"These Things Matter" (a list to start)

As John Cusack says in High Fidelity, "Books, Movies, Music...these things matter". For me, personally, I would say that knowing what a person reads and listens to is a significant step towards knowing that person. Books are incredibly important to me, and have had a huge impact on who I am, what I think and believe, and how I live.
Below are some of my favourites - books, music, and movies that have certainly been worth my time, that have even made me feel like a better person for having engaged in them and making them a part of my life and allowing them to influence me (or at least sharpen my thinking and perception)... If I were to try and find a common thread in most of what I read or listen to or enjoy watching, it would probably be a search for Truth, a striving for significance, a (usually predominant or significant) element of spiritual awareness or struggle (a wrestling with faith and the spiritual as reality), some sort of musical transcendence. I enjoy those works that lead me toward a fuller engagement with life, rather than those that serve primarily as an escape or mere entertainment. There are, of course, exceptions. Like Stephen King. or my love of 80's metal and pop. and some of it...I just think is cool.

This list is active and will be updated regularly...


Books
The Four Loves – C.S. Lewis
High Fidelity – Nick Hornby
The Brothers Karamazov – Fyodor Dostoevsky
Love and Living – Thomas Merton
The Alphabet of Grace – Frederick Buechner
Mere Christianity – C.S. Lewis
A Prayer for Owen Meany – John Irving
The Writing Life – Annie Dillard
Franny and Zooey – J.D. Salinger
Thoughts in Solitude – Thomas Merton
Mystery and Manners - Flannery O'Conner
Confessions – St. Augustine
1984 - George Orwell
The Unbearable Lightness of Being – Milan Kundera
Letters to a Young Poet – R.M. Rilke
The Complete Stories of Flannery O'Conner
Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
The Man in the High Castle – Philip K. Dick
Orthodoxy – G.K. Chesterton
‘Till We Have Faces – C.S. Lewis
The Long Loneliness – Dorothy Day
A Circle of Quiet – Madeleine L’Engle
The Cloister Walk – Kathleen Norris
Confessions of a Guilty Bystander – Thomas Merton
The Sacred Journey – Frederick Buechner
An American Childhood – Annie Dillard
The World According to Garp – John Irving
Dead Man Walking – Sr. Helen Prejean
The Screwtape Letters – C.S. Lewis
Reaching Out – Henri Nouwen
Walking on Water – Madeleine L’Engle
The Man Who Was Thursday – G.K. Chesterton
Reflections on the Psalms – C.S. Lewis
The Outsiders – S.E. Hinton
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Perzig
Ellen Foster – Kaye Gibbons
The Moviegoer – Walker Percy
Ironweed – William Kennedy
Pilgrim at Tinker Creek – Annie Dillard
The Art of Loving – Erich Fromm
Life of the Beloved – Henri Nouwen
The Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Salinger
Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
The Day Boy and the Night Girl – George Macdonald
Godric – Frederick Buechner
The Chronicles of Narnia – C.S. Lewis
New Seeds of Contemplation – Thomas Merton
Tickets for a Prayer Wheel - Annie Dillard
Walden – Henry David Thoreau
Teachings on Love - Thich Nhat Hanh
The Meaning of Jesus – N.T. Wright / Marcus Borg
Everyday Apocalypse – David Dark
The Gospel According to America - David Dark
The Sacredness of Questioning Everything - David Dark
Creed or Chaos? – Dorothy Sayers
The Vampire Chronicles – Anne Rice
If on a Winter's Night a Traveler – Italo Calvino
The Hobbit / Lord of the Rings Trilogy – J.R.R. Tolkien
Living Buddha, Living Christ – Thich Nhat Hanh
The Great Divorce – C.S. Lewis
The Rock that is Higher – Madeleine L'Engle
On the Road with the Archangel – Frederick Buechner
Travelling Mercies – Anne Lamott
Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer – C.S. Lewis
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
Disputed Questions – Thomas Merton
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer – Mark Twain
Out of the Silent Planet – C.S. Lewis
Perelandra - C.S. Lewis
That Hideous Strength - C.S. Lewis
Man’s Search for Meaning – Viktor Frankl
The Inner Voice of Love – Henri Nouwen
Fahrenheit 451 – Ray Bradbury
Ubik – Philip K. Dick
The Sirens of Titan – Kurt Vonnegut
Slowness – Milan Kundera
The Problem of Pain – C.S. Lewis
A Simple Path – Mother Teresa
The Hungering Dark – Frederick Buechner
Wise Blood – Flannery O’Conner
Nine Stories – J.D. Salinger
The Stand - Stephen King
It - Stephen King
The Dark Half - Stephen King
Watership Down - Richard Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings – Maya Angelou
The Hidden Wound – Wendell Berry
Jesus: The Man Who Lives – Malcolm Muggeridge
The Summer of the Great Grandmother – Madeleine L’Engle
Surprised by Joy – C.S. Lewis
Questions About Angels - Billy Collins
Tuesdays with Morrie – Mitch Albom
Our Greatest Gift – Henri Nouwen
Aging - Henri Nouwen
The Ragamuffin Gospel – Brennan Manning
Wouldn’t Take Nothin For My Journey Now – Maya Angelou
At the Back of the North Wind – George Macdonald
The Root of the Righteous – A.W. Tozer
Watch with Me – Wendell Berry
The Tempest – Shakespeare
Opening the Bible – Thomas Merton
The Politics of Jesus – John Howard Yoder
Amusing Ourselves to Death – Niel Postman
Peace is Every Step – Thich Nhat Hanh
Gandhi: An Autobiography (My Experiments with the Truth)
The Prophet – Kahlil Gibran
Henri Nouwen: A Restless Seeking for God – Jurjen Beumer
Let Justice Roll Down – John Perkins
The Manger is Empty – Walter Wangarine, Jr.
All Hallow’s Eve – Charles Williams
The Sparrow - Mary Doria Russell
Children of God - Mary Doria Russell
The Futurological Congress - Stanislaw Lem
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling
Whistling in the Dark – Frederick Buechner
Art & The Bible – Francis A. Schaeffer
Soul Survivor – Philip Yancey
The Pilgrim’s Progress – John Bunyan
No Compromise: The Life Story of Kieth Green
The Courage to Be – Paul Tillich
Bread for the Journey – Henri Nouwen
Ragman - Walter Wangerin, Jr.
Fight Club – Chuck Palahniuk
We – Yevgeny Zamyatin
Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said – Philip K. Dick
Jazz - Toni Morrison
Waiting for Godot - Samuel Beckett
The Body Artist - Don Delillo
Charming Billy - Alice McDermott
Gilead - Marilynn Robinson
Through Painted Deserts - Donald Miller
Girl Meets God - Lauren F. Winner
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee - Dee Brown
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Chronicles - Bob Dylan
Slouching Toward Nirvana - Charles Bukowski
Sex, Economy, Freedom and Community - Wendell Berry
Tropic of Cancer - Henry Miller
The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion
Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut
Woody Allen and Philosophy
Miz Lil and the Chronicles of Grace - Walter Wangerine, Jr.
The Sound and The Fury - William Faulkner
And It Was Good - Madeleine L'Engle
The Death of Ivan Ilych - Leo Tolstoy
Writings in the Dust - Rowan Williams
Exclusion and Embrace - Miroslav Volf
Something Beautiful for God - Malcolm Muggeridge
The End of Christendom - Malcolm Muggeridge
Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
The Seven Storey Mountain - Thomas Merton
Tao Teh Ching - Lao Tzu (John C.H. Wu translation)
The Captive Mind - Czeslaw Milosz
Lion Country - Frederick Buechner
The Stranger - Albert Camus
No Country for Old Men - Cormac McCarthy
The Road - Cormac McCarthy


Music
Over the Rhine – Good Dog, Bad Dog
Sixpence None the Richer – This Beautiful Mess
The Innocence Mission – The Innocence Mission
Vigilantes of Love – Blister Soul
Sarah Masen – The Dreamlife of Angels
Itzhak Perlman – Cinema Serenade
Radiohead – OK Computer
Radiohead – The Bends
U2 – The Unforgettable Fire
Bob Dylan – Oh Mercy
The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds
Mindy Smith - One Moment More
Mindy Smith - Long Island Shores
Over the Rhine – Ohio
The Innocence Mission – Befriended
Sigur Ros – ( )
Broken Social Scene - You Forgot It in People
Jan Krist – Curious
R.E.M. – New Adventures in Hi Fi
Damien Rice - O
The Violet Burning – Strength
Midnight Oil – Diesel and Dust
The Call – Reconciled
Bob Dylan – Blood on the Tracks
Ani Difranco – Not a Pretty Girl
LifeSavers Underground – Shaded Pain
The Smiths – The Queen is Dead
Over the Rhine – Patience
Tori Amos – Little Earthquakes
Undercover – Branded
Undercover – Balance of Power
Eels – Electro-Shock Blues
The Sundays – Blind
Aimee Mann – Lost in Space
DJ Shadow – Endtroducing
Mercury Rev – All is Dream
The Innocence Mission – Umbrella
Sparklehorse – It's a Wonderful Life
R.E.M. – Automatic for the People
The Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Wilco – Summer Teeth
Radiohead – Kid A
Modest Mouse – The Moon and Antarctica
Patty Griffin - Impossible Dream
U2 – Pop
Indigo Girls – Rites of Passage
The Beatles – Revolver
Vigilantes of Love - Welcome to Struggleville
David Gray – Lost Songs 95-98
Bruce Cockburn – The Charity of Night
The Innocence Mission – Birds of My Neighborhood
Simon and Garfunkel – Bookends
Joni Mitchel - Blue
P.J. Harvey – Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea
Moby – Play
Sarah Mclachlan – Fumbling Towards Ecstacy
The 77's – Pray Naked
Aimee Mann – Bachelor #2
Sparklehorse – Good Morning Spider
Patty Griffin – 1,000 Kisses
The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
R.E.M – Up
Mogwai – Come On, Die Young
Suzanne Vega – Solitude Standing
Margaret Becker – Immigrant's Daughter
Adam Again – Dig
Pinback – Blue Screen Life
The Sundays – Reading, Writing and Arithmetic
Over the Rhine – Films for Radio
Tom Waits – Bone Machine
Sarah Mclachlan – Afterglow
Rosie Thomas – Only with Laughter Can You Win
Tori Amos – Scarlet's Walk
Sixpence None the Richer – Divine Discontent
Jennifer Knapp – The Way I Am
U2 – War
Rosie Thomas – When We Were Small
Belle and Sebastian – Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant
David Gray – White Ladder
The Church – Starfish
Depeche Mode – Violator
New Order – Substance
The Cure – Disintegration
Adam Again – Ten Songs
Pixies – Bossanova
Belle and Sebastian – Tigermilk
Indigo Girls
Massive Attack – Mezzanine
Killing Joke – Pandemonium
Toad the Wet Sprocket – Dulcinea
Mogwai – Rock Action
Eels – Beautiful Freak
Patty Griffin – Flaming Red
Miles Davis – Kind of Blue
The Smiths – Louder than Bombs
Dead Can Dance – Into the Labyrinth
Sparklehorse - Vivadixiesubmarinetransmissionplot
Over the Rhine - 'Till We Have Faces
Over the Rhine - Patience
The Mission U.K. - Children
Live - Mental Jewelry
The Call - Modern Romans
The Call - Into the Woods
The Call - The Call
Copeland - Beneath Medicine Tree
Linford Detweiler - Unspoken Requests
Tom Waits - Mule Variations
Hem - Rabbit Songs
The Cure - The Head on The Door
Eels - Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
The Church - After Everything, Now This


Movies
Almost Famous
The Matrix (trilogy)
Life is Beautiful
Cinema Paradiso
Il Postino
The Notebook
Lost in Translation
Broken Flowers
The Shawshank Redemption
Hamlet (Mel Gibson)
Entertaining Angels: The Dorothy Day Story
Shadowlands
The Shipping News
Gandhi
Dead Man Walking
In The Name of The Father
Lord of the Rings (trilogy)
The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
The Princess Bride
Adaptation
The Cruise
No Direction Home: Bob Dylan
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I (Heart) Huckabees
You Can Count on Me
The Apostle
Babette's Feast
Schindler's List
Cookie's Fortune
Annie Hall
Waiting for Guffman
Best in Show
A Mighty Wind
Looking for Richard
Hero
American Beauty
Stealing Beauty
The Hours
Magnolia
Girl, Interrupted
High Fidelity
The Hurricane
Dead Poet Society
The Outsiders
Mask
Back to the Future
Rumble Fish
Fight Club
Les Miserables
Henry and June
The Winter Guest
Signs
Manhattan
Crimes and Misdemeanors
Hannah and Her Sisters
The Station Agent
About a Boy
The Talanted Mr.Ripley
Kill Bill, Vol. 2
A Scanner Darkly
Smoke Signals
Thelma & Louise
Untamed Heart
A League of Their Own
Moulin Rouge
The Cider House Rules
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
The Big Lebowski
Scent of a Woman
The Ladykillers
Batman Begins
V for Vendetta
The Hudsucker Proxy
Bukowski: Born Into This
Good Night, And Good Luck
Shakespeare in Love
Rushmore
The Merchant of Venice (Al Pacino)
Pan's Labyrinth
Winter's Passing
Anything Else
September
Interiors
The Seventh Seal
My Life as a Dog
The Pursuit of Happyness
A Beautiful Mind
Girl with Green Eyes
No Country for Old Men
Sullivan's Travels