The years pass by and nothing seems to change. Dreams slip away, dreams we once considered central to our identity. Those dreams die, and now our identity is centered on death. We are dead inside, clinging to the dreams of another lifetime ago. Wanting to move on, we feel stuck, wanting this to work out before we move on to the next. But this never does, and now we see the end in sight of a life that has never really begun. Youth seems only a moment ago, and it always does, for everyone, until the very end. Look in the mirror and who do you see? One day, an old person you barely recognize. Where did my life go? What did I do with the time I had? Does anybody ever really have a good answer to these questions? I don't, and I suspect you barely do either. Life is nothing but a dress rehearsal. We learn our lines after the play is over. We stumble and struggle until then. Or we don't. and in the end, it really doesn't matter, does it? We all get to be dirt in the ground. Unless you believe in a God who grants an Afterlife or a Judgement, Condemnation, Reward, Heaven and Hell. And the Resurrection. And why do we think anything will be different then? We are deaf and dumb, as in stupid and ignorant and lost. And God is saying...nothing.
The deaf claim they've heard Him and the blind have seen His Glory, and the twisted tongues of the mute and mentally ill tell us exactly what we must do to be saved, as they are. They tell us what God Himself has said to those who have no ears to hear and shown to those without sense or sight or mind. And they are right, they know, for they are empty and forsaken in this world, and they have nothing left but the word of God to cling to, to hope in and rely on. The rest of us have it all figured out and are safe and secure in our place on this sinking stinking ship. We know we are sinking, but at least we know something. They know nothing and so cling to nothing and so can be pulled out more readily. Death is as nothing to them that have already died.
Look around you. Who makes you squirm? Who do you hate? Who do you avoid? Who is just plain weird, a nuisance, a pain in the neck and a thorn in your flesh? Who would you rather do without in your life? Who would you not miss if you never saw them again? Look closely. That person is quite possibly God's agent, saving your very soul.
(Or maybe they just need a swift kick in the ass)
Pick up a dead and dried out twig, good for nothing but fire kindling. Stick it in some sand, and water it every day, care for it, until it blossoms into a beautiful tree. In this way you will learn how to be like Christ. The twig may never bloom, but you just might end up coming back to life.
4 comments:
There is also another angle to look at. Jesus passed the fig tree that did not bloom and eventually cursed it so that it would never bear fruit. He never went back to care for it. Sometimes, after giving time and effort, the best thing to do is leave behind the old, dysfunctional ways of being and move on. To die to the old self is such a challenge especially when the natural tendencey is to want to cling and hold on to solid ground. It is an illusion and there is no solid ground. I think there is a delicate balance between these two forms of thought and lessons to be learned in both ways of thinking.
I agree. I think that was sort of what I was saying in the first paragraph, about dead dreams that we cling to that keep us from moving on. I like the picture of Jesus himself getting pissed enough at an inanimate object like a fruit tree to curse at it. "Goddamn tree." I can relate...
I'm also not sure if I was saying a whole lot of anything anyway. that was one of my "stream of consciousness" writings (that only a very few people ever see) that turned out a bit more coherent than most do. But it was certainly nothing I spent any more time on than the writing itself took to do.
Having just finished Flannery O'Conner's Complete Stories mere hours before writing this, I think she permanantly messed with my head. She holds a mirror up to you and you think you're looking at some grotesque excuse for a human being, not realizing you're the one who needs to be saved. Revelation and salvation are often accomplished through characters you'd like to see "get it or get out". Salvation comes by way of a cross. But we are also never called to remain on the cross. the suffering is not the point, it is simply (among other things) the means by which we see things about ourselves that we'd rather not face. You think THAT person needs help? take a look at the way you act around them! take a look at all the ugliness that comes to the surface and reveals itself, just because some mean ugly fat girl throws a hardcover book at your head and tries to strangle you! As Winkey Pratney used to say, kick a barrel of acid, and acid splashes out... kick a barrel of honey and (surprise surprise) honey splashes out. The question is, last time YOU were kicked, what came out? A lot of times we blame the person kicking us for what comes out of us. But I don't think that means we keep letting someone kick us like some kind of perpetual martyr, it just means that maybe they are showing us something about ourselves that we wouldn't have faced otherwise, something necessary to face if we hope to be saved.
A lot of this blog was bits of pieces I stole from others that have influenced my life in one way or another. It wasn't intentional (these things ARE a part of my life and thought now), but I should probably footnote my lack of originality at least. Like the title, which is from one of my favorite Concrete Blonde songs. "God is saying...nothing" is obviously from Depeche Mode. That last paragraph is from an old desert fathers type saying that I once heard (I think) from Merton. bonus points if you can name the rest...
This is the closest I've been to "church" in a very long time (in spite of the fact that I've actually attended a whopping four times since the year began).
Thank you for posting this, for voicing your thoughts, for breathing on this spark...
You guys are great.
Welcome to the "Church of Do What You Want To". Let's cut through all the crap...send me money, NOW! amen.
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