New Year's Resillusions

1. Criticism is addicting. To set oneself as an authority over another, a power trip, an ego boost, a dead soul draining the life out of another...

2. Don't save the best for last. Tommorrow it will be a bowl of rotten fruit and the person you are today will be but a shadow. The best is only the best right now. Tommorrow something better will come along that makes today's best seem not so great.

3. The reason you aren't doing what you want to do right now is the same reason you won't be doing it tommorrow or next week or next year and why you haven't done anything of the sort yet. Annie Dillard says how you spend the day is how you are spending your life.

4. Escape will disguise itself as Engagement, Avoidance as Preparation, a sharp edge cutting the heart out of another pretends to be Good Humor. I am hurt and offended, and a little bit angry, that you don't at least smile when I slice into your guts...

5. A good book, a cup of coffee, half a pack of clove cigarrettes, music in the air, the voice of a friend sitting near me, catching thoughts on the pages of a leather bound journal, time to spend, memories of moments well-lived, dear ones well-loved, a full year ahead blank untouched expectant hope. What will I write there? What story will I tell with the life I choose to live?

6. I am going to die. I don't want to die. Maybe I should call a doctor. I felt a strange twitter in my arm. am I supposed to have a bump there? I have a hard time getting a full breath when I think about not being able to get a full breath. I read about this rare disease and I'm sure I have it because I have all the same symptoms, like a headache and a tired feeling and pain. what can I eat to keep my brain from popping an anyeurism? I don't want it to do that. nor do I want my heart to pop or my blood to squirt all over my insides for any reason. I've decided the wheelchaired life is not for me. nor any suffering of the unpleasant kind. but mostly I don't want to die. ohshitohsweetlordJesuspleasedontletmedieohshitohfuckfuckfuckfuck...

7. Television is the bane of mine existence. The internet pretends it isn't TV, but I can see right through its keyboarded deception. sit down to watch one oh-so-important thing, and for the next few hours I am "surfing". I don't know how to surf. I drown in the black hole of potential never realized. I wake up drowzy, drugged, from impotent dreams, aware of all that I've lost, the days and weeks and years slip by in dreams forced on my mind. I am told what to think and I think I am a part of something worthwhile for a while and then I find myself still sitting in this chair staring forward where I've been for hours, staring at a box, staring at my life sucked right out through my eyes...

8. The question hangs over my head: Are you digging for coins in the mud of a pig pen? What kind of asshole throws riches into a swine pit? How much degredation is required to look for them there? There are plenty of coins to be found, but is it worth the effort? sometimes...

9.

10. Insipid Banality. Happy New Year!